They would welcome you into the family with open arms sans any tension or hesitation.
So many people go into a stepfamily expecting to create a better first-time family.
But a stepfamily is a fundamentally different structure from a first-time family.
In a first-time family, kids arrive hard-wired for attachment to BOTH parents and vice versa.
This structure makes for some normal challenges, the expert shared.
We now know a lot about what works to meet those challenges.
Much of what works is actually different from what works in a first-time family.
It is not what we call evidence-based.
As a result, much of this guidance is misleading and even destructive, Dr. Papernow warns.
Even worse, very few clinicians get any training at all in working with stepfamily dynamics.
Its why I cant retire even though Im nearing 80!
Kiva also added that being a stepparent can definitely be challenging.
Its difficult to navigate boundaries and know when to step in or step back, the relationship expert says.
This happens when a third person becomes involved in a conflict between two individuals.
This story exemplifies triangulation, as OPs mom attempted to insert herself between the father and his fiancee.
Preparing for inevitable conflict before it arises allows couples to establish an agreed-upon process for handling challenges.
Depending on their age, children can be included in these conversations as well!
So how much parenting should stepparents be expected to do?
When you marry or partner with someone who has children, you accept a significant responsibility.
You will influence a childs life, worldview, and self-image, Kiva shared.
Like Goldilocks and the three bears, each blended family must work toward finding their own just right balance.
Harm isnt sparked by conflicts, disagreements, or different opinions themselves.
Rather, it stems from leaving these issues unaddressed to fester over time.
Kiva recommends asking your partner questions like How can I best support you in your parenting?
or What would you like my role to be with the kids?
[This] helps maintain trust and connection in the relationship.
The ultimate goal is collaboration, she explained.
But usually, parenting and stepparenting are different.
Parents start out with that strong attachment and shared sense of us.
Stepparents have to build it slowly.
There are indeed a few stepparents who have very involved, parent-like roles, usually with very young children.
Its actually a small percentage!
Allof these roles are linked to positive wellbeing for kids, Dr. Papernow noted.
That last casually connected role for stepmothers is linked to well above-averageself esteemfor children.
What does not work is for Dad to leave parenting to Stepmom.
So what advice would be helpful for the couple in this situation?
Setting boundaries with family members can be both compassionate and firm.
Such attempts often lead to power struggles and the kind of family drama that emerged in this story.
Thanks for your concern, but were good.'
Its also a rather sexist idea that the woman/mom should help kids, not the dad, she noted.
He is responding when they reach out for help.
He is not imposing on them to reach out to Millie.
Kiva added that relationship dynamics with ourparentsare rooted in years of shared experience.
We play familiar roles, get caught up in well-worn patterns of conflict, and revisit old emotional wounds.
This is the greatest gift we can give children, both as parents and stepparents.
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