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How many men have heard this phrase growing up: Big boys dont cry?
Read her expert insights below!
What they tend to forget is that children arent adults and dont how to emotionally regulate yet.
Some parents think that big feelings are bad or a sign of achild misbehaving.
They are messengers, she tells Bored Panda.
Some parents also conflate self-regulation with self-control.
Blanchard clarifies that self-regulation doesnt mean suppressing your emotions.
Regulating means developing skills to move through big emotions with support.
A childs nervous system isnt fully developed enough to self-regulate alone, Blanchard explains.
They need co-regulation from a connected, present, responsive adult.
When parents tell boys they should toughen up and not cry, theyre doing them a huge disservice.
Blanchard points out that boys tend to receive the message that tears and vulnerability are signs of weakness.
But this kind of rhetoric only leads them to suppress their emotions.
Those suppressed emotions later come out as anger, withdrawal, or difficulty with relationships.
Boys need just as much emotional validation and space to express their feelings as girls do, Blanchard emphasizes.
Parent coach Alita Blanchard says that, during a tantrum, parents should regulate themselves first.
Children co-regulate with us, she explains.
If we meet their dysregulation with anger or control, the meltdown escalates.
It is, of course, easier said than done.Emotional regulationcan be just as difficult for grown-ups.
Contrary to what the mother in this video did, parents shouldvalidate their childs emotion.
Im here with you.
This helps children feel understood and safe.
Less words, more presence is best, Blanchard says.
She suggests offering the child sensory or movement-based support.
Their nervous system processes emotions through movement.
And some need space but we still need to stay present enough and contain safety.
What the parent says matters, too.
Instead of ordering the child what to feel and how to act, parents need to model emotional literacy.
Instead of saying Calm down, they can try saying: I know this is hard.
Your body is feeling everything right now.
Outside the moment, practice different regulation tools, Blanchard adds.
Over time, this helps them develop internal self-regulation tools.
Reasoning with the child during the difficult moment probably wont work either.
Thats why Blanchard recommends the method Debrief later, not during.
Once a child is connected and regulated again, help them reflect, she says.
That was a tough moment.
What do you think you needed?
This builds awareness and problem-solving skills.
Its ok if they dont know go slow.
In the end, emotional support for parents is just as crucial for parents as it is for children.
Nervous system regulation isnt just for childrenits a lifelong practice for all of us.
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