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Jealousyis a normal human emotion.
But it might sometimes drive people to do crazy and inappropriate things.
Like going through your partners phone or their search history.
This woman checked her husbands iPadsearch historyand found something suspicious.
She then went to the Internet to ask for advice: is it really as bad as she thinks?
And what should she do if her suspicions might actually come true?
To some people, a complete lack of boundaries and shared passcodes signify absolute trust.
To others, privacy and a partner not sharing their phone might be totally normal.
Judith Aronowitz, RN, LCSW, says that healthy relationships involve boundaries and trust.
There can be a place for privacy in a relationship.
This doesnt mean that a partner is up to no good.
Trust and intimacy [arent] created by free access to someones phone.
The couples therapist says being totally transparent with phones and passcodes makes sense when both partners are on board.
Many couples will generally want more privacy, and this is not indicative of cheating or unscrupulous behavior.
Having independence outside of your relationship is very healthy, she adds.
When there is trust built up and safety, outside connections will not feel threatening.
Couples need to exist separately without losing the we in the relationship.
Aronowitz says theres often an underlying issue thats not about wanting to see the actual contents of the machine.
Are you open and honest with each other?
Are problems left unresolved avoided?
Are you avoiding important conversations?
[Are you] snooping on someones phone instead of having a difficult conversation?
If youre feeling worried or suspicious about something, can you have a conversation?
Can you openly share your concerns?
Are your needs being met?
Understanding why you would need to look at someones phone is important, the couples therapist believes.
We often struggle with insecurity, she says.
It usually comes up in [a] relationship when someone is feeling insecure or threatened.
Often, feeling jealous is a response to a fear of losing someone.
The important thing is to be able to process it together as a couple.
The goal is to understand where it might be coming from and grow together from the experience.
Couples can then agree on boundaries to build trust and protect the relationship.
The couples therapist says thatjealousyisnt always bad.
It can actually help couples strengthen their relationship and help them grow.
It can increase self-awareness and develop a deeper understanding between two people, Aronowitz says.
Couples can be more reflective and look at their reactions and behaviors.
This work can bond a couple together.
However, snooping around your partners phone andspyingis hardly ever appropriate.
According to Aronowitz, it signals an issue with communication and trust.
Partners can reflect on why they are feeling jealous and where is it coming from.
Its important to understand why one would want to snoop.
Is this coming from a place of insecurity?
Are boundaries being violated?
Can you focus on your self-worth?
Do you notice your positive qualities?
Are you in touch with deserving a certain bang out of relationship?
Do you respect yourself?
Do any of these areas need work?
Have you identified your needs in the relationship?
Have you communicated your needs?
Do you feel seen, heard, and respected?
Do you fear losing something you dont deserve?
Can you be self-reflective?
Am I feeling insecure in my relationship?
Why might I feel that way?
Is it coming from achildhood wound?
What is being triggered inside of you?
Are there issues in the relationship that havent been addressed?
Can you discern if this is a you issue or a we issue?
Lastly, dont be afraid to look into individual/couples therapy.
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